Saturday Laughs
- Thread starter Coachgun
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Coachgun
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Herb and Edna were an elderly couple and had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. [SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
Finally, Herb decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. [SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
"Well," Edna says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." [SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
Herb sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked Edna in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"[SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
Finally, Herb decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. [SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
"Well," Edna says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." [SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
Herb sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked Edna in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"[SIZE=12pt][/SIZE]
Coachgun
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Army Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent and start thinking the worst.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
Happy 4th of July everyone!
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Army Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent and start thinking the worst.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
Happy 4th of July everyone!
Coachgun
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One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9:30 okay?" George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me." The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked. George said, "Sure, but wait for me if I'm ten minutes late." Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute. You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed." George said, "Well, that's true. I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed." "What if she's lying on her back?" George said, "That's when I'm ten minutes late!
Coachgun
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The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS.
Coachgun
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A Zebra arrives on a farm. The first animal she meets is a cow. "What’s your job?" she asks.
"My job is to give milk," the cow replies.
The next animal she meets is a chicken. "What’s your job," she asks.
"My job is to lay eggs," the chicken answers.
The third animal she meets is a stallion. "What’s your job?" she asks.
The stallion replies, "Just take off those striped pajamas and I'll show you!"
"My job is to give milk," the cow replies.
The next animal she meets is a chicken. "What’s your job," she asks.
"My job is to lay eggs," the chicken answers.
The third animal she meets is a stallion. "What’s your job?" she asks.
The stallion replies, "Just take off those striped pajamas and I'll show you!"
Coachgun
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A man at the grocery market and tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Liverpool, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Liverpool, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Coachgun
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Little Johnny always struggled a bit in school but always tried hard to please his parents and his teacher.
One day, his teacher was giving a lesson about nouns. She said, “an abstract noun is something you can think of but not touch. Can someone give me two examples?”
Thinking quick on his feet and wanting to impress his teacher, Johnny was quick to raise his hand and proclaiming he had an answer!
The teacher said, “calm down Johnny, what is your answer?”
Johnny proudly replied, “your boobs!”
And that’s why Little Johnny failed 2nd grade.
One day, his teacher was giving a lesson about nouns. She said, “an abstract noun is something you can think of but not touch. Can someone give me two examples?”
Thinking quick on his feet and wanting to impress his teacher, Johnny was quick to raise his hand and proclaiming he had an answer!
The teacher said, “calm down Johnny, what is your answer?”
Johnny proudly replied, “your boobs!”
And that’s why Little Johnny failed 2nd grade.
Coachgun
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One rainy spring night in Boston, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Park Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Park Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Coachgun
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
1:00 a.m. came however, and he didn't return. 2:00 and no hired hand. Finally he returned around 2:30 and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
1:00 a.m. came however, and he didn't return. 2:00 and no hired hand. Finally he returned around 2:30 and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
Coachgun
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Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, "I bet any minute now some smart-aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."
Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey gentlemen, whacha' sellin'?"
One of the businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling a**holes."
Without missing a beat, the man replied, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"
Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey gentlemen, whacha' sellin'?"
One of the businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling a**holes."
Without missing a beat, the man replied, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"
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Coachgun
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Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park. They saw two dogs having sex. Little Johnny asks, "What are they doing, Dad?"
Dad replies, "They're making puppies."
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents’ bedroom and they are having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?"
Dad replies, "We're making a baby."
Little Johnny replies, "Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies!"
Dad replies, "They're making puppies."
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents’ bedroom and they are having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?"
Dad replies, "We're making a baby."
Little Johnny replies, "Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies!"
Coachgun
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Old Billy Joe loved to fish and was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
Billy Joe looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
Billy Joe said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
Billy Joe stared at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
Billy Joe opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Billy Joe looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
Billy Joe said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
Billy Joe stared at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front shirt pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
Billy Joe opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A hunt 2 remember
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So I woke up My dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage. 
A hunt 2 remember
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