Saturday Laughs

[Coachgun]

A man goes to a restaurant and is seated by an extremely hot waitress. When she asks him for his order he replies, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress storms off angry.

After she regains composure she comes back and asks him once again what he will have. He replies, "All I want is a quickie." She can't control herself this time so she slaps him.

A man sitting near him leans over and whispers, "Sir, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

 

[Coachgun]

Happy Saturday all.  I apologize I've missed the last couple of weeks. 

Mrs. Jones asks her class, "What part of the body grows ten times larger when stimulated?"

The class is silent so the teacher asks them again. This time a little girl named Kim raises her hand, "Mrs. Jones, you shouldn't be asking seventh graders this kind of question. I'm going to tell my parents."

Mrs. Jones ignores her and calls on Johnny. He answers, "The pupil in your eye."

Mrs. Jones replies, "Very good Johnny," then she turns to Kim, "Now for you young lady, I have three things to tell you. First, you have a very dirty mind. Second, you didn't do your homework. Third, you are going to be very disappointed."

 

[Coachgun]

A blonde was trying to paint their house wearing a fur coat and a mink coat. By the afternoon, she passed out sweating and exhausted. When her husband came and found her unconscious and got her revived, he asked why she was wearing the coats?  She replied, "On the label it says, for full coverage, USE TWO COATS!"

 

[Coachgun]

Three Dogs At The Vet...

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck
up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said,  "So why are you here ? "
 
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

 "Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
 "They reckon it'll calm me down."
 
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "So why are you here ?"
 

The black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the fun of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you? " the yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.
 
The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away."

The black and the yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!”

 

[Coachgun]

Bob and Dave were standing high on a ridge overlooking a road in rural East Texas on opening day of deer season.

They both spotted a huge buck trotting towards them. Just as Bob raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession was driving slowly down the road. Bob slowly lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession had passed. Of course by then, the buck was long gone.

Dave exclaimed, “Wow that was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen! You are an amazing human being and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world to pay respect to others!”

Bob nodded and said; “well, it was out of respect, after all we were married for 45 years!”

 

[Coachgun]

On the first day of school, Miss Jones is asking the class what they did over summer vacation. Little Johnny says "we stuck firecrackers up the butts of squirrels and lit ‘em up!" Miss Jones stops him and says, "Johnny! The correct word is rectum." Johnny says, " you're dang right we rectum!!! We blowed ‘em all to pieces!"

 

[Coachgun]

A terrible snowstorm blows through town one night and leaves everything covered in snow.  The snow plows were working furiously to keep the larger parking lots cleared to allow people to pick up essential groceries etc. After a while, a snow plow driver noticed a car had been following him for an hour. He stopped and got out of his truck to see if the driver needed help.  As he approached the driver of the car, he asked, "ma'am, is there anything I can do for you?"

"No", the blonde replied. "My father always told me that if a snow storm ever hit while I was going home and I got lost, to follow a snow plow as it would eventually lead me home."

"That's all fine and dandy ma'am, "the driver replied, "but after I finish the Wal-Mart, I have to move on to the other grocery stores in town."

 

[Coachgun]

A family is at the dinner table. Little Johnny asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father somewhat surprised, answers, “Well son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” little Johnny asks. “Yes", said the father. "You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter, Maryanne.  Maryanne asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, sturdy and very firm. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” Maryanne asks. “Yes, said the mother.  "Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Hope all of you are well.  Be careful and keep a safe social distance and wash your hands often!

 

[Coachgun]

An old, blind cowboy walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for a while, he yells at the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The entire bar immediately falls completely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl standing 6'4" and can bench press 400 lbs.

3. I'm a 6' 2" tall woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde as well as a professional wrestler.

5. The woman sitting on the other side of you is a blonde and a UFC fighter.

The lady continued on, "think long and hard if you really want to tell that joke mister."

The blind cowboy doesn't take long to ponder his decision and says, "No, not really, especially if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Coachgun]

Although it’s been well over 10 years since I’ve played golf, I saw this on another forum and thought it was too good not to share.  Enjoy, stay safe and have a good weekend!

 

Pandemic Golf

March Madness is cancelled, the NBA is shut down, the Masters is postponed, and my Aunt Marge’s senior bowling has even thrown in the towel. Now restaurants and bars are closed, and our 40-handicap governor is threatening to shut down all entertainment facilities including golf courses. I have not tested positive, but the coronavirus is killing me.

There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. My wife suggested we take a walk, but I don’t walk anywhere unless I have a golf club in my hand and its cart path only.  My kids have a restraining order on us and won’t let us come within 200 yards of the grandchildren. And we can no longer eat out, but when we tried to cook at home, there were cobwebs in the oven.

The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.

Paranoia is off the tracks. Before the shutdown, we were having dinner at a local bar. I let out a loud sneeze and everyone at the surrounding tables started yelling "check please." My stock portfolio is plummeting and most of our cash is currently invested in toilet paper. I am washing my hands 137 times a day. I don’t touch anyone. I don’t even touch myself. I have been using tongs to go to the bathroom. This has to stop.

Our society and economy have been crippled by a microscopic virus. Scientists have not yet determined the exact origin but have narrowed it down to a Chinese fish market or Rosie O’Donnell’s bathtub. And no one is sure how to prevent or cure it. In the past, the ways to prevent contracting a contagious disease were simple: don’t eat in restaurants with cat on the menu and don’t date my college roommate’s sister.

I don’t consider myself to be in the high risk category. I have been building up my immune system by eating one meal per day at MacDonald’s for the last 25 years. Germs just slide through me. My only pre-existing condition is an inability to launch a golf ball further than 180 yards. And, according to the CDC, symptoms of the coronavirus are sweats, dizziness, and trouble breathing, which I experience whenever I am standing over a 3 foot putt. I can handle it.

So, I proposed to my regular foursome the idea of escaping from our self-imposed Stalag 17 and venturing outside for a round of golf. Everyone recognized the danger and severity of the situation. But when faced with the decision to remain sequestered with our wives or to risk contracting a deadly virus, it was a no-brainer. Every man opted to play golf.

Our foursome does not pose a medical risk to mankind. My friend, George is virus free. Social distancing has not been a problem for him. Other than us, he doesn’t have any friends. Bob, my neighbor is a urologist who has been working from home for several weeks. He has developed a way to do remote prostate exams by having patients sit on their cell phone. And our other partner, Jerry tested himself with a kit he bought online. However, he thinks he may have gotten the wrong kit. It showed no traces of the virus but indicated that he was pregnant with twins.

The federal government has established guidelines for social engagement. For example, you must stay at least 6 feet apart and no more than 10 people are allowed at a gathering, which means Greg Brady’s fan club can still meet. In addition, our foursome drafted our own specific set of rules for Pandemic Golf.

 

Rules of Play:

• Hazmat suits are permitted. As an alternative, one can wear a college mascot costume or big bunny pajamas.

• Masks are not permitted, because we would look more like stagecoach robbers than a foursome.

• Leave the flag in. And to avoid retrieving balls from the hole, any putt shorter than Lebron James is good.

• Ride in separate golf carts and don’t come closer to another player than a fully extended ball retriever.

• Don’t touch another player’s balls. This is always good advice.

• No high fives. Fortunately, we seldom have a reason.

• No petting the geese or the cart girl.

• Don’t use the spot-a-pot. More disease in there than in all of Wuhan China.

• No excuses. Slicing or hooking are not side effects of the coronavirus.

• Make an online bank transfer to pay off your bets for the day.

• Straddle the sprinkler on the 18th hole before getting into the car.

 

These rules and restrictions adequately protected us from contamination. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine for bad golf. I had trouble gripping the club with oven mittens, but it was an enjoyable afternoon which ended way too soon. There were no handshakes on the 18thgreen, no beers at the bar, and we drove home separately.

 

[Coachgun]

A guys first condom experience…

“Herb was telling his friend Joe about his first time using a condom, when he was around 18 or so. He went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that Herb was new at it. She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one. He answered honestly, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned Herb to make sure it was on tight and secure. Herb apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking Herb’s hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked Herb.

Well, Herb was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As he was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So Herb removed his clothes and got down to business. He said it was so great, but unfortunately, he could no longer hold back and was done within a few moments.

She looked at Herb with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you have any problem putting that condom on?’ she asked.

Herb said, ‘No, not at all,’ and held up his thumb to show her.

[SIZE=11pt]She fainted.[/SIZE]

 

[Coachgun]

A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built body builder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

After they get relaxed on the couch, the body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”

The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”

He tells her, “That’s 100 pounds of dynamite, baby!”

He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”

The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 pounds of dynamite, baby.”

He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims, “Boom!”

The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”

 

[Coachgun]

Tom had just bought a new Ferrari and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair, music was playing loud and he decided to open up the throttle. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Ferrari," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"Listen pal, I've had a tough shift and this is my last traffic stop. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me one good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, I will let you off with a warning!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

 

[Coachgun]

Thoughts from the journal of a quarantine life...

Day 1 - I Can Do This! I have enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my eighth bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew?

Day 4 – 8:00 pm: Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!

Day 6 – I get to take the garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen.” You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3 to 1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

Day 16 - Realization: Half of us are going to come out of this as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

Day 17 - Still haven't decided where to go for Memorial Day,  the living room or the bedroom?

Day 18 - Observation: I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

Day 19 - I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Day 20 - Every few days I try my jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well!

Day 21 - Homeschooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

Day 22 - I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

Day 23 - This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog and we laughed a lot.

Day 24 - So, after this quarantine, will the producers of "My 600 Pound Life" just find me or do I find them?

Day 25 -My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 26 - Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Day 27 - I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living Room.

Day 28 - Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 29 - Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year." I'm offended.

Day 30 - I'm out of food and am ready to enter the grocery store. Will they suspect a holdup with this mask and gloves?

 

[Coachgun]

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's coffee and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

After a few minutes and without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

 

[Coachgun]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 

[Coachgun]

 

[Coachgun]

 

[Coachgun]

A few years back, there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a large pasture. Suddenly a brand new SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a fancy suit, nice shoes, sunglasses and tie, gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, "Alright."

The young man parks the vehicle, connects his laptop to his cell phone, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database with several Excel spreadsheets filled with algorithms, then prints out a 100-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

"You have exactly 1,586 sheep," he declares.

"That's correct," says the shepherd. "You may take a sheep."

The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his car.

The shepherd asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep?"

"Why not?" answers the young man.

"You're a Consultant," declares the shepherd confidently.

"That's amazing! How did you guess so quickly and easily?" asks the man.

"Very simple," replies the shepherd. "First you came here without being called. Secondly, you charge me to tell me something I already knew. And thirdly, you do not understand anything about what I do.  And lastly you took my sheepdog!"

 

[Coachgun]

Women's English
 

1.                   Yes = No

2.                   No = Yes

3.                   Maybe = No

4.                   We need = I want

5.                   I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6.                   We need to talk = I need to complain

7.                   Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

8.                   Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9.                   I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10.               Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

11.               You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12.               Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13.               You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14.               Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15.               It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16.               You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17.               I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

18.               How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

Men's English
 

1.                   I am hungry = I am hungry

2.                   I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3.                   I am tired = I am tired

4.                   Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5.                   I love you = Let's have sex now

6.                   I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7.                   What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

8.                   May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

9.                   Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

10.               Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

11.               Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

12.               Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

13.               You look tense, I’ll give you a massage = I want to have sex within the next 3 mins.

14.               Let's talk = I am trying to show you that I am a deep person and we can then have sex.

15.               I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay