Saturday Laughs

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[SIZE=10pt]Hazel and Janice are outside of their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it begins to rain.  [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Hazel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Janice says, “what in the world is that?”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Hazel responds, “a condom.  [/SIZE]This way, my cigarette doesn’t get wet!”

[SIZE=10pt]Janice asks, “where’d you get it?”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Hazel firmly states, “you can get them at any pharmacy.”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The next day, Janice wanders down to the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she needs a box of condoms.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The pharmacist, certainly embarrassed by the request, looks at her strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks, "what size, texture, brand of condom does she prefer?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Janice responds, “it doesn’t matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The pharmacist fainted![/SIZE]

 

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How I sometimes feel about Mondays.

 

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Grandpa was driving with his 7 year old granddaughter and honked the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterward."

 

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Three dead bodies turn up at the morgue, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy Joe, the redneck from Luckenbach TX,  30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.”

 

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Elf party!

 

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Merry Christmas and blessings to you and your families!

 

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Happy New Year everyone!

 

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Two strangers were seated next to each other on a long flight when the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said the second guy. "That could be and interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s*%t?"

 

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A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he asked the congregation for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, things started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of loud discussion took place, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back seat, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

 

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