Saturday Laughs
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Coachgun
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Bartender vs. Psychiatrist
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge?”
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $20.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new Can Am Defender!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”
It’s always better to get a second opinion!
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge?”
"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it", I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $20.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new Can Am Defender!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”
It’s always better to get a second opinion!
Coachgun
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Maurice, Pierre and Boudreaux are applying for the same job. Maurice goes in to the interview room first and the interviewer has no ears.
“This job requires strong observation skills,” the interviewer says. “For your first exercise, I would like you to make an observation about me.” Maurice replies, “Well, you’ve got no ears.” upon which the interviewer yells, “Get out!”
Pierre goes in next. “This job requires strong observation skills,” the interviewer says. “For your first exercise, I would like you to make an observation about me.” Pierre replies, “Well, you’ve got no ears.” upon which the interviewer yells, “Get out!”
Maurice and Pierre explain to Boudreaux that the interviewer has no ears and is a bit sensitive about it, so Boudreaux shouldn’t mention it; Boudreaux obliges and goes in. “This job requires strong observation skills,” the interviewer says. “For your first exercise, I would like you to make an observation about me.”
Boudreaux looks the interviewer over for all of about a minute before saying, “You wear contact lenses.”
The interviewer replies, “That’s incredible, that’s absolutely right! How did you know?”
Boudreaux replies, “How could you wear glasses? You got no ears.”
“This job requires strong observation skills,” the interviewer says. “For your first exercise, I would like you to make an observation about me.” Maurice replies, “Well, you’ve got no ears.” upon which the interviewer yells, “Get out!”
Pierre goes in next. “This job requires strong observation skills,” the interviewer says. “For your first exercise, I would like you to make an observation about me.” Pierre replies, “Well, you’ve got no ears.” upon which the interviewer yells, “Get out!”
Maurice and Pierre explain to Boudreaux that the interviewer has no ears and is a bit sensitive about it, so Boudreaux shouldn’t mention it; Boudreaux obliges and goes in. “This job requires strong observation skills,” the interviewer says. “For your first exercise, I would like you to make an observation about me.”
Boudreaux looks the interviewer over for all of about a minute before saying, “You wear contact lenses.”
The interviewer replies, “That’s incredible, that’s absolutely right! How did you know?”
Boudreaux replies, “How could you wear glasses? You got no ears.”
Coachgun
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[SIZE=11.5pt]Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died [/SIZE][SIZE=15.3333px]completely,[/SIZE][SIZE=11.5pt] and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.[/SIZE]
Fortunately, a pickup truck pulled over to help. The driver was a homely, middle-aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.
The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.
Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely ranch where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this ranch for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.
Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.
Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.
In the morning the widow made them a full breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come pick up their car.
When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.
Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.
About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.
"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"
"Yes, Mike. I remember that."
"And Bob, do you remember that very kind widow that took us in for the night?"
"Well of course I remember her Mike."
"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."
"Ok Mike."
"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"
“Yes Mike, I did."
"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"
"I did Mike."
"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"
"Yes, we did Mike"
"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"
"I did Mike. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Mike!"
"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."
Fortunately, a pickup truck pulled over to help. The driver was a homely, middle-aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.
The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.
Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely ranch where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this ranch for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.
Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.
Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.
In the morning the widow made them a full breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come pick up their car.
When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.
Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.
About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.
"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"
"Yes, Mike. I remember that."
"And Bob, do you remember that very kind widow that took us in for the night?"
"Well of course I remember her Mike."
"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."
"Ok Mike."
"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"
“Yes Mike, I did."
"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"
"I did Mike."
"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"
"Yes, we did Mike"
"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"
"I did Mike. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Mike!"
"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."
Coachgun
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying onits side near the pieces of window glass.A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?''Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.''No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!''And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?''Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?'She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'You know I love you, sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes, and asked, How old are you and your husband?''Why we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.'No Kidding,' he said.'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
